10 Reasons to Become Vegetarian

5:14 AM in 10, 15, 20, become, ever, Get Ex, girls, greatest, hottest, ii, lyrics, part, reasons, smiths, the, to, vegetarian

Long Introduction:
Why I Became a Veggie

They said it couldnt be done, but I am proud to announce that on this very day, I have been a vegetarian for an entire year. Applause! However, I can’t state that this journey has been the easiest one, as there are certain social factors one forgets to take into account when completely uprooting their diet. There was much frustration from my peers as they had to prepare a different meal just for me, and even more confusion as to why I had made this life changing step. “How come you are suddenly a vegetarian now, Jared?” they may all ask, to which Id usually respond “it’s a long story”.

But now, for the first time, I shall reveal the exact reasons as to why the decision was made, mainly so that I am no longer obliged to answer that question ever again. I can just provide this URL! As follows:

Interestingly enough, my initial inner flirtations with meat abstinence took place within this very blog, back in 2013. I was writing an article about the meaning of life (titled Everything, All Of The Time), when I started to get these weird mental flashes. EATING LIFE IS WRONG is what they said, and, naturally, I’d freak out, quickly shoving a ball of bacon into my mouth just to dampen them crazy thoughts. And it worked, for a while.

Except some sort of realisation had already been made. I remember seeing a video of a cute baby pig rolling around in the grass, and I’d say “awww” and then BAM! EATING LIFE IS WRONG. Holy shit, what the fuck was that?? I’d panic, and remind myself that meat was tasty and digestible and filled with protein and blaaah, and then it would slowly fade into the depths of my mind once again. Another big example of when this intrusive thought took place, was when I saw an image of these two dudes that had caught this MASSIVE fish. They were crouched next to it, all smiles and thumbsup, while the gaping animal lay on the boat with a sad stupid look on its face. There was a large gash in between its eyes, and that’s when I realised you probably have to smack a thing that sizes brain out just to immobilise it and then BAM! EATING LIFE IS WRONG. I felt sick and shameful and actually mourned for the death of this beautiful creature, even though it was gross stinky fish

So needless to say, there was a seed and it was growing. At this point, I had started to embrace it a little bit, figuring that even if vegetarians were assholes, I kinda understood where they were coming from and admired them on a certain level. A part of me started to consider giving it a go one day, without realising that one day would come sooner than I thought, on the 6th of November, 2014.

I was drunk and stumbling around the dirty streets of Stratford, when I remembered I was hungry, ducked into some dodgy kebab shop, and ordered a burger. Whilst eating it on my way home, I was repulsed. The meat was grey and soggy and spongy, kinda crumbled into strings within my mouth, and tasted like absolutely nothing at all. The next morning I awoke with a miserable tummy, and in that moment I made the decision (without telling anyone) to quit dead animals for one month. Just to see.

That month was interesting. I read a lot of stuff, and not only learned how to make my diet even more nutritional than before, but also discovered the horrors of the industry. Furthermore, there were countless omens which presented themselves out of nowhere. All of a sudden, pro-vegetarian articles were everywhere, and complete strangers would talk to me about the advantages of a veggie lifestyle without even knowing my current stance on the matter. But the biggest game changer came when I went and saw Morrissey live in concert, only to be bombarded with imagery of bull fights and slaughter houses, churning my stomach upside down and prodding my sympathy glands with heated irons. After the show, I witnessed some concert goers buying meatball subs, and I thought to myself “How can you do this?” And from then on (coupled with the fact that I had started to feel amazing on a moral and physical level), I decided that a month was not enough. I needed to dedicate myself to this movement, full time.

Once you turn vegetarian, you do become a little obsessive about the practice (please forgive all of us), and as a result, we read and learn a lot about food. And so, to celebrate my anniversary and my yearly collection of knowledge, here are the top 10 most convincing reasons I found to make the change. Join us! Jooiiin uuusss!!

01. You Will Live Longer

It’s no secret anymore, and (try as they might) the meat fanatics are having more and more of a difficult time denying the simple truth that meat isn’t very healthy for you (especially in the excess the general population are consuming it). Here are some facts to scare you a little further:

A vegetarian diet lowers blood pressure substantially. In fact, reports are coming in that vegetarians are 32% less likely to develop heart disease, which is actually the biggest killer IN THE WORLD, by the way. One study revealed that veggies under the age of 65 were 45% less likely to suffer a heart attack than meat eaters, and while this percentage drops to 8% for them over 80 year-olds, it’s still a pretty fucking huge number if you compare it.

Research is also seriously starting to unveil some worrying links between meat eating and various types of cancer, including colon, prostate, pancreatic, gastric, and breast. Three of those body parts can be related to sexual relationships, and so you might want to pause and let that one sink in a little bit. Hell, it was even as recent as last week when information went viral, stating that bacon could be on the same cancerous level as cigarettes.

Furthermore, a vegetarian diet is also well known to lower the risk of diabetes, so theres a little bonus point for you.

Due to all of these facts (as well as the link between meat and obesity, one of the biggest killers in the US), it is no surprise that vegetarians simply live longer. Many studies agree that it’s up to 20% longer, on average 10 more years than our carnivorous counterparts.
And honestly, what is more important than your life?

P.S: I refuse to fall into the debate of whether eating meat is even natural or not, but I will urge you to take a look at this little convincing image I stumbled upon. Use it, dont use it, die young, whatever.

02. You’re a Fucking Hero

If an animal falls down a well and is trapped, screaming for help, and then some dude climbs down there and saves its life, would you not consider that person a hero? Well, you can be that person. Without even leaving your house.

I think the reason why many people stop eating meat is for ethical purposes, and I am not much different. Over the last year I have become so passionate about the travesty of animal mistreatment, that I really struggled to write this piece without getting angry, patronising, or simply downright rude. As a result, I am currently taking a deep breath, and attempting to tell you what I think, calmly and rationally.

First and foremost, please understand that I am not, nor ever was, an above average animal lover. I dig animals for sure, what’s not to dig? They are cute and they are trippy and I don’t think anyone could naturally have anything against them. But what this article comes down to, is that they have a life, just like you and me. They have eyes and they have brains and they feel fear and they feel suffering. And that’s what freaks me out.

Deny it all you want, but every single one of these creatures are being bred and tortured and murdered in the most horrific of ways. “But Jared, there are humane slaughter houses that...” stop. Do your research. Ensure you have a strict definition of what humane means to you, and then find out what these places are actually doing. 99.99% of these businesses are worse than you think, and most of them feature pretty much the cruellest of all living conditions you can imagine—much worse than anything any group of humans ever went through in history, and all it would take is a simple Google search to prove this to you. I refuse to use PETA shock tactics on my holy blog, but I double dare you to take a little look around and challenge the convenience you have accepted, hopefully exposing some guilt you have been taught to ignore.

Beyond even this, what it comes down to, is that people are literally digesting flesh which had energy of a living being running through it, just like you and me. It is more than likely that the last bit of energy to ever run through the meat you chew, was one of immense confusion and panic. You are allowing the emotion of fear to be digested through your own body, and I simply refuse to put myself through that. There is no reason. There are other options. You don’t have to do this.

And that is why vegetarians are heroes. It has been estimated that the average veggie saves 100-400 animals a year from this misery and death. 100 TO 400 FUCKING LIVES SAVED! EACH VEGETARIAN! IN ONE YEAR! Tell me that isn’t heroic. And even if you dont think so, I am still honoured to do my part.

However, if you choose to ignore these facts, that’s fine, but please do me a favour and never complain about animal product testing or dog fights or bull fights or trophy hunting or circus animals or Sea World ever again, because you are a hypocrite with no value for the life of your fellow beings anyway. The meat industry is literally the worst thing that has ever happen to earthly suffering, and it takes place in unnecessarily mass amounts on a daily basis. You are a part of this problem. And you might as well eat your dog and your cat while you’re at it, because I am yet to understand the difference.

Ok, sorry about that! I’ll try to be more funny from now on.

03. You Will Be Happier And More Sexy

Depressed? Anxious? Stressed? Maybe you should cut down your meat intake, mate, as this action has been proven to make you a happier chappy.

The reasons as to why this happens are varied and unclear, but one decent theory is down to magnesium, which is essential for energy, fighting headaches, improving sleep and regulating your mood. Meat has very low levels of magnesium (except for some seafood) and so if mountains of steak or chicken is the staple of your diet, perhaps reconsider.

Another research piece split people into three groups, allowing the first to eat meat, the second only fish, and the third only veggie. After two weeks, the participants showed massive differences in happiness from one group to another, and as you’d assume, the vegetarian team soared miles higher than rest. Intrigued, the researchers found that the veg group had a much lower circulation of arachidonic acid, a substance only found in animal foods, known to inflame the brain and possibly contribute to Alzheimers disease. While this isn’t a directly proven link to happiness, it could be the first step in creating one.

Part of this happiness, however, may also be related to your quality of life. Besides the health benefits stated in point #1, a plant-based diet is loaded with fibre, which keeps you way more regular and less sluggish than meat foods, which in turn should make you feel a lot more energetic than before. Whee!

And finally, you will look much sexier. While going veggie doesn’t guarantee weight loss, it is generally understood to have much lower fat and sugar content than a meat diet, which should trim down your flabs substantially. In fact, over 65% of American adults aged 20 and up are overweight or obese, but obesity among vegetarians and vegans is below 10%.
Furthermore, many veggies report their skin, hair, and nails have never looked healthier, while other sources claim a plant-based diet actually slows down the process of ageing itself. And being attractive is the most important thing there is!

04. You’ll Learn How to Cook Properly

I don’t care what you say, anyone can slap a slab of steak or chicken onto a plate and call it a meal, but when your options are a little more constricted, you are forced to think further out the box to create a properly substantial meal. For some, this may sound like a ballache, but for me, it was a godsend, as suddenly food grew a new life as my creativity blossomed within the limitations. Vegetables were no longer the healthy side bit of the meal I soldiered through just to hit the mains. It now was the mains, and thus began the mission to somehow rival the taste I once knew before.

So for the first time in my life, I bought a (vegetarian) cookbook, and shit got much more interesting from that purchase onward. Meals morphed into experiments and adventures; combinations mattered so much more; spices and nuts and literally any vegetable was now up for consideration; and eventually, I reached the point where my meals were more colourful and far tastier than they ever were before. Basically, if you suck at cooking and want to actually learn about food, go veggie, and then impress your friends and lovers.

Bonus Point #1: You will also find yourself abruptly aware of nutrients and vitamins when you drastically alter your diet, and I personally found myself paying so much more attention to what I was putting into my body, meaning my meals are now also fuckoff healthier.
Bonus Point #2: Deciding what to buy at the supermarket or ordering from a restaurant has never been simpler! It’s like, uhm, I’ll have the veggie offer, thanks a lot :P

05. Some Of Your Favourite People Do It

It helps to take the first step (or even reaffirm your previous decision) when you remind yourself how many of the coolest people in the world subscribe to the same principles as you do. Here are 25 of my besties to get you started (complete with relevant quotes!):

"So I am living without fats, without meat, without fish, but am feeling quite well this way. It always seems to me that man was not born to be a carnivore."
- Albert Einstein

"Im a vegan, but I like to look good, too."
- Andre 3000 (concerning the hypocrisy over his tendency to wear fur, naughty boy)

"Soon after I went vegan, I saw some documentary footage of what happens in the factory farming of cows... It sealed the deal."
- Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

“I could never see myself eating a best friend.”
- Betty White

“The eating of meat extinguishes the seed of great compassion.”
- Buddha

"My mother taught me a lot about respect for all living things—for plants and animals. I am a vegetarian. I was brought up that way."
- David LaChapelle

“I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.”
- Ellen DeGeneres

“Why are vegans made fun of while the inhumane factory farming process regards animals and the natural world merely as commodities to be exploited for profit?”
- Ellen Page

“I became vegetarian a very long time ago, around age eleven, when I realized that there was very little difference between a chicken, a cow, a horse, or my dog. Making that odd distinction between who we eat and who we don’t seemed very unnatural to me, so I just stopped eating animals entirely.”
- Fiona Apple

“To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being. I should be unwilling to take the life of a lamb for the sake of the human body. I hold that, the more helpless a creature, the more entitled it is to protection by man from the cruelty of man.”
- Mahatma Gandhi

"Im pretty healthy so I think that helps a lot. Ive been that way for a long time. Twenty solid years of eating vegetarian/vegan and taking care of myself. That probably helps the preservation process."
- Jared Leto

“One day I had a stew and there was a bit of meat in the stew and it was so raw that I just identified immediately that this was an animal and I just thought, ‘No, I’m not into this’”
- Kate Bush

“I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as I will look upon the murder of animals as they now look upon the murder of men.”
- Leonardo Da Vinci

“Then came the day that made the crucial difference. I looked down from my terrace hanging over the Thames one morning. It was low tide and there, stranded on the pebbles, was a four-legged corpse—hairless, white and bloated. Was it a calf or a sheep or a goat or a dog? I stared at it until the tide rose and washed it away. For 24 hours I was off my food. When I started eating again, I couldnt face meat—fresh or tinned.”
- Ian McKellan

"So many good plants/fruits/veggies to eat you aint gottttta eat dead animals!"
- Miley Cyrus

"We get violently upset when animals eat human beings. So why shouldnt we feel horror when human beings eat animals?"
- Morrissey

“Part of my reason for being vegetarian was because it practices respect and love for life all through the day, so three times a day, you make a decision to eat things that have not been killed.”
- Natalie Portman

"How we treat the vulnerable is how we define ourselves as a species"
- Russell Brand

“If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian.”
- Sir Paul McCartney

“You eat food containing fear, that’s why you’re scared.”
- Ninja (Die Antwoord)

“Good Viking genes, being vegetarian and having rowdy dogs and kids definitely keep me in shape. Not eating meat gives me the energy I need to keep up with work, family and travel—Im very active.”
- Pamela Anderson

“I like animals, all animals. I wouldnt hurt a cat or a dog—or a chicken or a cow. And I wouldnt ask someone else to hurt them for me. Thats why Im a vegetarian.”
- Peter Dinklage (Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones)

“Almost as soon as I went vegan, people started telling me that my skin looked great, and that I appeared younger, slimmer, and healthier. Im convinced that of all the changes Ive made to my lifestyle, its the adoption of a vegan diet that has been best for me—physically, mentally, and certainly spiritually.”
- Steve-O

“The first thing was Meat is Murder [a song by The Smiths]. The second thing was getting sick all the time, every time I ate meat—getting sick a lot ... and the third thing was I started going out with this girl, and I wanted to impress her so I pretended Id been vegetarian all along. I immediately felt a lot better, a lot healthier. I was concerned, as many people are, about that youre not going to get all the things you need in your diet, youre going to get sick all the time, but the exact opposite happened to me, so I never looked back. It was never a problem straight off."
- Thom Yorke

“When I was 23, 24, I used to have a really bad runny nose, mucus, tons of acne, reddishness all over. A woman on a bus I took looked at me and said I was lactose intolerant. She said, ‘Stop dairy for three days, and all this is going to go away.’ I stopped dairy, and sure enough it was gone three days later, never to return except when I get dairy accidentally.”
- Woody Harrelson

Pick your own favourites from this massively extensive list via Happy Cow :)

06. Morning Afters Are Hard Enough

You know how it is: you’ve drank a few more beers than you should have, you’re stumbling along, homeward bound, and then you sniff out something edible. Before you know it, you are the proud new owner of six pieces of chicken, twelve spicy bbq wings, two bags of fries, one kebab, and a large Diet Pepsi. You don’t even like Pepsi! What’s worse, you bought it from that seedy joint down the road where the counter is made from cling film and the roaches deliver your order. It’s no wonder you woke up with the runs this morning whilst perpetually burping the taste of fried skin! Damnit, arent hangovers are bad enough?!

Granted, this all could have been easily integrated with my earlier health points (or even the sexy ones, fatty), but I split it off here because this is an oft-ignored factor which I found particularly beneficial. McDonalds has faded into the mist. KFC is just a smell. Fast food no longer taints my weekends and is (almost) dead to me. Of course, when you’re hungry and need a quick fix, this factor can be somewhat annoying, but believe me, you’ll always find a way to eat, and more often than not, wake up feeling much less guilty and much less gross about the lower calorie less fatty drunk munchies you consumed instead. As for the hangover and the hazy memory of whatever embarrassing thing you did the night before, that’s a separate issue (which I can help you with too, just ask).

07. Save The Planet And End World Hunger

People generally (conveniently) overlook this one, but by becoming a veggie, you not only reduce your carbon footprint drastically (more than almost any other method, in actual fact), but also aid the end of starvation.

The UN themselves have calculated that the climate emissions from the meat industry make up 18% of the global total—more than cars, planes, and all other modes of transport combined. But even this figure has come under scrutiny for being far too low, as two World Bank scientists estimate it goes up to a majority 51% when including the gases from manure, the oil burned by transporting the carcasses, the electricity required to cool the meat, the gas we use to cook it, the energy needed to plough the crops to feed the animals, and the pumping of the water these poor creatures need to drink. That’s over half our climate issues gone simply by quitting meat, poof.

Beyond this, there is that pesky issue of landmass. Friends of the Earth (an international network of environmental organizations in 74 countries) estimate 6 million hectares of forests are destroyed each year just to cater for livestock and to grow the crops to feed them with. That’s twice the size of Belgium, fyi. Furthermore, to produce one pound of animal protein takes about 12 times as much land, 13 times as much fossil fuel, and 15 times as much water than the soy equivalent. It’s become so bad now, that nearly 80% of land deforestation in the Amazon is used as cattle pasture, while the whole industry itself uses a staggering 30% of the Earth’s total land mass. Erm, so like, if we stop the industry, that whole running out space population problem wouldnt be a problem any more? Interesting.

Finally, the world’s cattle (excluding pigs and chickens) consume enough food to feed 8.7 billion people, which is more people than we have. Simply put, if everyone stopped eating meat, we would have the solution to the starvation of those in poverty, the climate change issues, and our overcrowding concerns. Its that easy.

08. Keep Your Hormones Human, And Your Stomach Poison-Free

Meat is weird. The animals they come from are more often than not pumped full of some sort of strange hormones, especially in the US, where 80% of livestock are injected with steroids and shit to increase their size and make them hornier, ensuring they breed as much as possible. Antibiotics and antibacterial medicines are also widely reported. Granted, it’s not so bad here in the UK, but there are more studies pointing towards gross things that meat eating does to us humans, including damaging our sperm count, which isnt something Im too keen on doing to myself. Oh, and hey, remember that mad cow disease thing? How about when we were all eating horses from Tescos? What the hell are we putting into our bodies anyway??

Ok, but let’s give your supplier the benefit of the doubt and say the meat you happen to get is 100% safe and happy. Even then, it needs to be kept so specifically that it makes one wonder how legitimate the system really is. If it’s not frozen properly or thawed properly or cooked properly, you can get really sick from parasites poisoning your intestines. Isn’t that a bit strange? Why would Mother Nature supply us with such a fragile food source? Once you stop worrying about these things, it becomes a very peculiar thing to watch other people worry about.

Personally, I dig it that most of my food is edible straight from the plant. Seems more like it was intended to be that way, as if God isn’t out to hurt us or something. But then again, maybe he is. Some people do think so.

09. You Will Have More Money

Of course, this won’t apply to some idiots, but the fact of the matter is that meat is more expensive than veggie substitutes, and the prices continue to rise. According to some studies, by opting to replace your meat protein sources for their veggie equivalents (nuts, beans, tofu), you can save up to 47% on your main meals.

There are other factors too. For example: veggies preserve better, which means you can stock up easier (think about the apocalypse), whereas meat goes off rather quickly when not frozen. Furthermore, rotten meat is useless and even deadly, whilst vegetable waste can go straight back into your garden for compost. Oh, the cycle of life.

But why stop there? You can even go as far as simply growing your entire meals in your own backyard when it comes to a vegetarian diet. Try raising a cow at home, your neighbours will be well pissed off.

And finally, as we’ve already covered , you will be much healthier, and so any medical bills you come across should be substantially lower too. I mean, perhaps you don’t care about the animals, but you know you love money, and this is a simple way to ensure you have even more of it. Wow, do the benefits ever end?

10. You Are Better Than Everyone

I probably shouldnt be telling you this, but once you become a vegetarian, you get a little card in the mail that grants you entrance into the elite club of veggos, entitling you to look down on all other people who eat meat. You can finally be that dickhead at the party who demands a special meal, and perhaps even force guilt upon those who don’t subscribe to your new found enlightenment, simply by listing the points above. You are now a higher power above everyone else, you are closer to the Universe, you can flaunt your moral superiority, you will start to see in the dark, your genitalia will become smoother, your vocabulary will improve immediately, your sense of direction will sharpen, and you get your own spirit animal who will guide your every decision into success. It’s totally worth it, trust me.

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Raining Teeth

12:12 AM in 10, 2014, album, artworks, best, cover, favourite, Get Ex, is, my, number, of, raining, reasons, teeth, the, why

by Jared Woods

It’s always my favourite part of the journey; the hot concrete introducing itself to my aching feet, a burn as uncomfortable as it is one of welcomed relief. It symbolised the end of the hours spent silently slipping through the ever watching oaks of Treason Forest. The giant robot capsules scanning the area for any movement to eradicate instantaneously—they had missed me. The endless supply of goblin or troll con-artists ready to reveal my position just for the slightest bit of recognition—they never got the opportunity. The almost guaranteed death for the uninitiated—it had casually wafted through me once again.

Naturally, I have it easier. Not many could survive such a task, very few reaching the second hour before some circumstance interrupted their plans and ultimately ended them in one horrific conclusion or another. I, personally, have become so efficient at this quest that I can complete it in under seven hours even at my ripe young age of 12 years old. My success can be partially attributed to practice—God knows Ive travelled these roads many a time before, following my darling mother to her day job. But beyond this, it is my special ability of camouflage which grants me the edge to now confidently complete the mission all by my lonesome—more often than not, without permission from mommy dearest, of course. She’d never agree to her little child embarking on something so dangerous alone.

I personally find this hypocritical. My mom (the Mustard Witch of Treason Forest, as shes come to be known) has travelled the distance from our protective straw hut towards the busy Goat’s Nest streets on an almost weekly basis to sell her sexual vodoo to the idiot men who were cursed by her spells—achieving the mission relatively unscathed by means of a rudimentary form of cloaking magic, if I ever did see one; lengthy to prepare and never as reliable as she’d like to think, all too often reaching her destination with a few cuts and bruises and close calls to tell.

As for me, I never learned a damn thing. I was born with abilities any witch would sell their name for. Granted, some of my mother’s magic genes which have passed down from generation to generation surely played a role, but I was convinced there was something extraordinary about my father’s sperm which allowed me to rise above the realms of spells and concoctions, because I was able to produce my invisibility au natural. I’ve pried as best I could to find answers, but mother would never reveal details, and I left it at that. I could see by her face that the very mention of my father figure caused her pain, and no man who wasnt around was worthy of such an expression.

But the point still stood: I was special, and I was informed as such by my loving mother herself since before I can recall. “Everything comes with a price,” she’d explain to me. “The better you starve yourself, the less you exist.” And this is true. Even if I skip one meal and don’t eat for five hours, I began to fade—gradually becoming transparent. I turn sick and I feel faint, sure, but you can see right through me—quite a unique skill, I have come to discover. And so as you can imagine, if I resist food for, lets say, 24 hours, I am all but gone, making the usually very dangerous trek through Treason Forest a relatively painlessly process, once I learned to ignore the pangs of stomach cramps and overwhelming sensation that my soul was escaping from my physical form. But look at the alternative: almost every case of a character roaming through Treason Forest ends with their demise, whilst Ive done it a hundred times with no more than a bit of pesky starvation. A small trade-off. Inarguably so.

Regardless, once through the final pathway (which, by now, I knew how to navigate with my eyes closed) and onto Orbit Street, my priority was always one of food. A quick duck into a small corner shop, a pack of nuts stolen undetected, and I sit on the sidewalk munching them down until my skin gains some shade of colour while my headache disappears. It’s a tradition of mine, peanuts somehow nourishing me faster without lasting too long to affect my journey home, and I always eat them across the street from the Deep Thoughts building. That shitty piece of capitalist architecture, dominating the town with its bully tactics and land ownership. It’s a goddamn conspiracy, I tell you, a complete machine of lies generated within those very walls. I hate it, and feel a sense of pride as I stare it down during these moments of consuming my salted nuts back to health.

One day. One day another force will rise up and challenge its dictatorship type of control. Perhaps it will even be me, leading the Treason Forest Army, although my home area is in such shambles that these dreams are just that: dreams. Silly. Impossible. Ridiculous to everyone involved. We don’t even register on the Challenger Stats. But I’d jump on board with whoever accomplishes the feat, whether be it the Oracle, Bergie Town, Practice Beach—you name it. I’d like to see that bloody Deep Thoughts crumble.

But this is not the mission for today, how could it be? Sneaking away from mommy to take on the biggest superpower in the Goat’s Nest? That would be a faster way to die than getting caught in Treason Forest. No, instead my mission for today is much simpler, far more achievable. I am here to kill Palama Willow.

Once my pack of nuts is done and I’ve swirled my finger around the bottom to get as much salt as I can reach, I breathe deeply as the sensations of dizziness ease up and I stand to my feet, much more cheerful than before. I turn my back on the dreaded Deep Thoughts building and make my way down one of these nameless alleyways. And I think about Palama.

I met Palama during one of my days escorting my mom to her hooker job. Prostitution has been illegal for decades in the Goat’s Nest, but much like any town, there are men, and with men comes an excessive sex drive which demands to be exploited. In one of their better moves, the powers in charge sought to control (and tax) such activities, by granting these sellable ladies and perverse men one street in the Goats Nest where such a practice could be regulated, kept safe, kept clean, and most importantly, kept quarantined. And that’s where my mother came in.

As a witch, mom’s appearance can take one of any youthfulness with the right potion and prayers, her clients unaware of her 200 plus age tag. So when said street (now known as Red Teeth (Av. J)), opened for business, she was quick to purchase a room, sometimes for her to please the gentlemen herself, other times to rent out to other such desperate good-looking females.

One could argue this is no lifestyle to raise a child, but personally, I appreciated the upbringing. Sex was never taboo for me, and as a result, my interest in the subject has never been one of curious urges, but rather one of education. I found it fascinating, the differences between genders when it came to the art and manipulation of sexual intercourse, especially how empowering sex could be for women, and how pathetically weak it made men. It was hilarious, really, and my mom and I have had many a laugh over the ludicrous nature of our alluring vaginas—not that mine had been used in such a way, mind you, despite the financial offers from boys and encouragement from the other working girls.

Which brings us to Palama, I suppose, as I walk down alley after alley, passing the surrounding seedy strip joints, a natural by product of the filth that is Red Teeth. I began to fume over the very thought of her. She too is a hooker, six doors down from my mom’s room, and my initial hatred for her was one of pure superficial factors. Certainly, her body was something to marvel over: perky tits, flat stomach with hardly any stretch marks, desirable length of legs, toes in a perfect straight line—quite textbook beauty, to be fair. But it was her head that truly irked me, as it was far from human. It could only be described as a crayfish: long whiskers, chunky pincers, and a set of slimy jaws which had to be wet on an hourly basis just to keep her alive. Her entire head was not covered in skin but rather a hard shell, and when she spoke, it sounded like squeaks more than English words—and that repulsed me. But, of course, she made her money. Some guys were into that sort of freaky shit.

Disfigurements make me cringe, that’s a character flaw of my own, but this in itself is not enough for me to discriminate against a person (or thing) alone. If anything, her "disability" or whatever, was enough for me to try and put some effort in, and when my mom was busy pleasing a man and Palama wasnt, I made my best attempts to get to know her. I wish I could say I learned to look past her ghastly crustacean features and grow as an individual because of it, but the reality is simply that the personality behind the mutation was far uglier.

As it is with the prostitution occupation, the whole service revolves around men, and based solely upon my mom’s opinion vs. Palama’s opinion, Ive come to conclude there are two schools of thought. Take my mother, for example. She sees men as our slaves, who we fool into thinking they are in control. They are willing to pay extortionate amounts of money just to see how our nipples look or to put their willys in our vaginas, generally ejaculating within minutes while hundreds of bucks fly from their pockets and into our bank accounts. Men are tools, complete slobbering idiots who are under the control of our pussies—they base everything they do on getting one or getting a new one, even if they have a wife or a girlfriend at home. Boys are stupid, and us girls are in control of their every move. That’s what my mom taught me, and thats what makes the most sense too.

Palama, on the other hand, believes the complete opposite—its all she ever fucking talks about. I have sat and listened to her stance time and time again, and it sounds completely ignorant to me. First of all, she doesnt feel in control. She reckons that the general female population is still living in the residue of past oppressions—that we as a gender are continuously being undermined and controlled by our male counterparts. She considers herself a victim of circumstance, and rather than viewing men as an easy outlet to exploit and take money from, she thinks women are under threat and are forced into sex work because of how society enslaved us in the first place. And maybe she’s right, on some points. But who cant see straight through her double standards? What it all really came down to was her deep rooted hatred for men, for the way they called at her on the streets, and for the way they treated her like a piece of meat; and yet shes still happy to shove a bit of cleavage in their faces to get what she wants and obtain their cash. It’s contradictory, and I lose sleep over it, without a word of exaggeration.

You see, Ive woken up in cold sweats multiple times because of Palama’s involvement in a recurring nightmare I have. It’s the one where I receive a package at my straw hut, which is an impossible occurrence, but there it is. I open it and it’s a box of sweets with only one heart shaped chocolate left inside, complete with a note from Palama. As I chew furiously on the below-average candy, I am ecstatic to find the note appears to be an apology of some sort. For what, I am never quite sure, perhaps the way she has treated me or her attitude towards life in general, but a heartfelt round-about apology all the same. Which (accompanied with the chocolate), is the sweetest satisfaction Ive ever felt.

However, as I read on, the letters contents take a turn for the worst, slowly accusing me of some shameful deed I never committed which changes from night to night. And as I read, her handwriting gets smaller and smaller as the candy turns more and more sour until I have to squint just to read the confusing text, eventually unable to even read it at all. This is usually when I wake up.

And so, as I finally make it to her door, I hope my speech somewhat accurately illustrates as to why I hold onto these thoughts so intensely. She haunts me and she is wrong about everything and that is why I am here, double checking the red light is on, indicating she is not currently active, and then knocking on the entrance, now more convinced than ever that this crayfish abomination must die.

I stand here, awaiting her answer, carefully analysing the shuffling inside whilst all too aware how completely out of place I look surrounded by rows of identical buildings, some with single doors, others with staircases leading to cage-like rooms stacked above for the cheaper, less lucrative girls for hire. Some of the pricier doors are open due to the heat, revealing the scantily dressed specimens of different attraction variations; while other doors are closed shut with blinking lights potentially flickering in unison with each pathetic thrust of the genitals inside. And as I study this, I become aware of how badly I have explained myself. My intentions of murder cannot be justified nor summarised by means of only an ugly face, or a misguided perception of the male vs. female imbalances according to one vile hooker’s opinion (or even some silly 12 year old girl’s nightmare, for that matter). It runs much deeper than that—it would have to, because this street is surrounded by many security men who provide the 24 hour protection for their 50 odd women cash machines. Which means that a Palama homicide getaway would require the victim to die quickly and silently as to not cause any suspicion, as well as for that light pack of peanuts to digest fast enough to allow me to slip out of here transparent and undetected. It’s a tough mission, is what Im saying, and it’s difficult for me to justify why a tramp like Palama is worthy of such a risk.

I wish I had a more straightforward answer for you. Im sure some would blame all of this on the absence of a father figure. A man who was more than likely a client of my moms. A man whose ejaculate summoned me whilst he was oblivious to my sudden activation, skipping along his merry way while my darling mother, bless her, perpetually filled her womb with countless other strangers semen who were willing to pay such a price (to the point that any attempt of locating my initial sperm figure would be next to impossible). However, I hardly feel like this little misfortune has bothered me in the slightest. I have two older brothers, more than likely born under similar circumstances, and both of whom are as fucked up as I am—in a good way. What Im getting at is that I like to believe they fulfilled any lacking male influence I may have had in my life, if even such a thing was ever a factor.

People would also likely blame my homicidal thoughts on my mother, the Mustard Witch herself, for she not only distorted my views on what was supposed to be “right” or “wrong” (a concept I don’t subscribe to anyway), but even more so, opting to raise us three children in the horrors of Treason Forest. I’ll be the first to admit you witness some traumas in the thick of the area, for just to be seen can be fatally dangerous, and to survive requires one to lead quite a secluded and lonely existence. A squirrel may offer your starving belly some corn which is laced with poison, rendering you paralysed while its family gnaw your skin away until only your bones are left for the marshes to grind into its own nutrition. A simple flower may grab your ankle if you get too close and grow at an alarming rate until it finds the nearest entry point into your intestines and morphing you into a plant yourself, unrecognisable to your loved ones within mere minutes. But the worst are ultimately those goddamn Mechanical Squids who roam around the forest at all hours, shining their spotlights down to eradicate any movement they come across, originally designed to turn Treason Forest into a place of peace, but instead malfunctioning into the grandest threat of all. Simply put, the forest is a mess of evil, the darkest area surrounding the oh-so mighty and special Goat’s Nest Town, and leaving no easy way for anyone to climb out of the rut.

I have asked my mother several times as to why we reside in such a treacherous place, and her vague answers are always spat in anger towards the fake-democratic borderline-dictatorship system in which the Goat’s Nest is run with. Her hatred has blinded her despite the money she takes in with her body from the city on a daily basis, which always confused me a little. But living with a witch mom does come with its advantages, as our little hut is a completely undetectable residency by any outside source, and so as long as we stay put, we are out of harms way, and a cautious days walk from the city for a normal person (if they were fortunate enough to survive).

None of this, as far as I can tell, contributes towards my desire to murder Palama. I guess if I had to, Id try break it down into the following simple analogy: it’s like a dark seed was buried into my core since the day I was born. My life didnt feel like my life, but rather a life built to remove another life, as if a duty—an instinct. I had no intention of mass murdering a bunch of innocent people or anything like that, the idea repulses me even if (lets face it) with my special abilities, it wouldnt be that difficult whatsoever. No, instead, I merely wanted to remove one specific life from this world. The black seed demanded it from me, it needed this in order to raise me up to the next level of my person. I don’t expect you to understand this, because neither do I, but I do expect you to at least accept that this uncomfortable frustration within me was always on the lookout for a victim. And when I first met Palama during one of my mother’s job days, with her godawful face and her weak attitude towards her own gender, I just fucking knew it would be her. I became obsessed with the idea. I couldnt fathom why anyone would miss something so wasteful.

These thoughts were finally interrupted when Palama began to unlock her door, and just in time too, as the sky had begun to rain teeth again. They were only milk teeth molars at this point, which meant they could clear up smoothly or turn bad into seven inch fangs at a moment’s notice. One of the Ten Wonders of the Goat’s Nest, apparently, mainly because it only happened on this street, just further proof that "God" himself had turned his back on this hole.

The door opened, and there stood Palama, rubbing sleep from her tiny black eyes, dressed in a pink see-through nightie which left very little to the imagination. That was her thing. She always pretended she had been sleeping when a client knocked. She got pleasure from the guilt of a man.

Of course, when she saw it was me, she broke the act.
“Oh, it’s you,” she squeak-mumbled. “Yeah, I guess you can come in for a bit.”
She turned her back on me which already granted the perfect angle to pounce on her right there and then. I guess I’d try to strangle her, my little arms sliding under her stupid crayfish face and preventing her from stealing anybody elses oxygen, but I quickly decided against it. Too hasty. Patience. The door was still open. I had to do this right.

I entered the small room which stank of the ocean, and closed the door behind me, sickened by the plainness of it all; one single dirty mattress on the floor, a small kitchenette to my right, and an exposed toilet to my left, all beige and nauseating.
“Well?” she turned to face me. “Aren’t you going to greet Mr Waters?”

Oh, of course! Mr Waters! I should have mentioned him before! Yet another one of the many factors as to how batfish crazy Palama was—how much she deserved to die. Mr Waters was her teapot of all things, a crusty little utensil with a face painted on, and as far as Palama was concerned, her husband. The only decent man in the world. She spoke to him like a lover, she probably even fucked him like a lover, and always ensured his face was freshly painted on with a smile. But it’s a fucking teapot! An inanimate object designed to boil hot water. I mean, is that not the definition of stupidity? Is that not enough evidence as to how little a contribution this lady was to the genepool?

However, as begrudgingly as ever, I greeted Mr Waters with as much conviction as I could muster, and Palama seemed satisfied, sitting on her bed, quickly wetting her monstrous face with a towel and then awkwardly shoving a cigarette into her mandibles, somehow drawing smoke that way into her human lungs. I sat myself down on the floor as per usual to minimise any suspicion, and right on cue, she began her ranting.

“You can’t stay long,” she informed. “I’m expecting most of my regular repulsive clients to show up today. Looking to have sex with me just to feel powerful, just to dominate a woman—because that’s all sex is to men. Power and domination.”

Oh God, here we go. Wrong. I knew this to be wrong. In the sex industry, men came here to escape their lives, like a drug. It was to live out a fantasy their real pathetic existence couldn’t provide, as my mother told me. And whether they preferred it a little rougher or a little dirtier or a little weirder, this was all part of that. It did not mean they were bad people, and if anything gave them less power, made them weak, only able to find this release with the trade of money. But, as always, I dared not disagree and just nodded robotically. If I argued, this conversation would only go one way.

“That’s why I hate all men,” she continued her scripted speech. “They use us like we are toys, and discard us once they’ve had their fun. Were just objects to them, objects with only one function: to make them ejaculate.”

Wrong again. My mother and I have had many a conversation on this point, and the fact of the matter is that men are not smart enough to even purposefully contemplate life in such a simplified manner. We are not the objects, they are. They are tools which we, as women, can manipulate with our bodies to do pretty much whatever we want them to. I shouldnt be, but once again, Im surprised by the lunacy of Palama, her very profession one of harnessing her vagina like a weapon to take money from these idiot’s pockets—you’d think a hooker would know better. But, no, of course she didnt, and I bit my lip as I mimicked the body language of agreement, anxiously awaiting my moment. Which, thankfully, came shortly after.

“It’s what makes me feel so degraded in my own profession,” she sighed as she stood up, turning her back to me once again, staring longingly out of her one tiny window. “Us ladies, we have had our control taken away from us. We are all victims, and prostitution is the ultimate proof that we are forced to exploit ourselves just to get ahead. We are slaves to men and we need to fight back.”

So wrong, but at this stage I hardly had the patience to point out the obvious hypocrisy of how her clients came at her mercy every day and how she honestly could pick another avenue of financial stability if she so wanted to. Rather, I had stopped listening, already on my feet, quietly opening her kitchen drawer to remove the largest blade I could find. I managed to lift out a massive steak knife without making much noise and slowly began to approach Palama’s back as she continued to ramble her sob hooker story filled with contradictions about male power and female powerlessness. My heart beat so hard that blood distorted my vision whilst anticipation sent fire to the tip of the knifepoint, as my little arched feet tiptoed closer to this foul woman, my brain playing out the scenario like a preview a couple of seconds before it was about to take place.

I was going to stab her right in the nape of her neck. I was going to stab her so fucking hard that with a bit of luck, it should push straight through to her vocal chords and render any high-pitched screaming impossible. If not, I’d stab again and again as fast as my hands would let me until she fell to the floor, and then I would continue stabbing just to be sure. Hell, I’d continue stabbing even after I was sure. I’d stab her well past her death because that’s what she deserves and that’s what I deserve. Then I would wash my hands and the weapon, and turn on her flashing light to indicate she was occupied, ensuring optimal time before she was discovered. And then I’d wait, standing in front of the mirror until I was invisible again, escaping undetected, back home to mama’s stew, holding a secret she would only find out a few days later without any connection to me. The perfect crime.

As Im sure you gathered, I would have never needed to explain this to you if it all went according to plan. Because it didnt, and this makes no sense, not even now. There I was, closing in, knife handle wet from my sweat and my mouth mothball dry as if these body parts had swapped places, when the moment was frozen by a piercing whistle. I got such a fright I squealed and turned towards the sound. My God, I couldnt believe it! It was Mr Waters. It was her fucking husband teapot. Steam was pouring out of his nozzle furiously, as he vibrated all over the counter, screaming the only way a teapot knows how to scream. This fucker was ratting me out! Impossible! Even his painted features appeared to have distorted, now more vigorous, more desperate, more focused upon me.

From here it all happened far too quickly. Palama spun around to shush Mr Waters, but instead noticed the knife I was wielding as well as my unsafe distance from her, and she leaned back in confusion.
“What do you think you are doing?” were the last words I ever heard. I lunged forward. I didn’t know what else to do. I panicked. I even gave out a little embarrassing war cry as I clumsily jabbed at the air towards her face, but it was too late. It was ruined and I knew it even then.

Palama struck with confidence, knocking the knife out of my hand with one shot. She must have cut herself in the process—God, I hope she did—but I never found out. Instead, her godawful monstrosity of a face closed in on mine. Her antenna-like whiskers wrapped around my head as her mandibles tore into my cheeks and her left claw clipped my ear. I tried to beat her with my fists as her fishy stench suffocated me, but when my mouth began to bloat up from a thick foamy liquid, I knew it was over. This bitch was pumping me full of poison as it forced its way down my throat and tasted like the colour white. I attempted to scream and vomit but within a few seconds, I felt my life slipping away in a feverish haze, and, let me tell you, I was so relieved. After all those times of threatening my soul with starvation, it finally got its release, with a belly stuffed to the brim for a change. The hunter had now become the victim, and things were better this way.

They gave me the name Macy Dull. And this is how I died the first time.

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How To Keep A Woman Happy

5:18 AM in 10, 5, a, become, favourite, Get Ex, happy, how, internet, keep, my, on, reasons, the, things, to, vegetarian, woman

So you want to know how to keep a woman happy?  It is not easy to do but once you master it, you will win the heart of your woman forever.  So it is worth a try right?
A Woman sometimes just needs to talk.  Men are programmed to find solutions to every problem but sometimes we just want you to listen to us.  We dont want you to look after us or solve every issue we raise but just to listen.
Yes I know she can spend two hours on the phone to a friend that she is meeting that afternoon anyway.  It goes back to the days of cavemen. Whilst the men were out hunting, the women were at home where their ability to bond with others was directly proportionate to their chances of survival. They depended on the other women to look after them and their families should they fall sick. Childbirth in those days often resulted in a death sentence for these women. 
Women like to go to the toilets in twos and threes.  It is just a girl thing and the sooner you come to accept it the better.  Dont get paranoid, we are not going to discuss you in detail - that will happen tomorrow.
Buy your lady flowers. But rather than buying her a bunch of roses, send her one of her favorite flowers every so often. This way she will know that you are thinking of her rather than just making a grand gesture.
Little things mean a lot to most women.  So regardless of the fact that you are working 60 plus hours per week to pay your mortgage or put the kids through school, always find time to ring her at least twice a day. Ring to say that you miss her and then ring her back later on to tell her what time you expect to be home.
Say thank you when she does something ordinary.  Everyone including women like to be appreciated so if you come home and it is obvious she has cleaned the bathroom, notice it and make an effort to keep it clean.  That means helping your towel to find its way off the bathroom floor.
If your woman has had a hard day at the office, run her a hot bath and hand her a glass of chilled wine whilst you put the kids to bed and prepare dinner.   Don’t ruin it by expecting sexual favors in return.  In a recent survey, when women were asked what would make them happy, one of the most common answers was to be kissed without being groped!
Surprise her with a note under her pillow telling her how much you love her or appreciate her.  Ok she will probably assume you have done something wrong and wonder if you are feeling guilty but underneath she will be pleased.
Making a woman happy involves doing the little things in life just that little bit more.

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Ex back What next

8:02 AM in a, after, apology, back, breaking, breakup, commitment, ex, fear, for, Get Ex, letter, next, of, reasons, to, up, what

Theres a new article on the main site called Ex Back? What Next?, on the topic of what you should do differently when you resume a relationship after you get your ex back.

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10 Reasons Why 10 is My Favourite Number

1:38 AM in 10, better, disdance, dont, favourite, Get Ex, is, my, number, read, reasons, spend, the, this, time, why, your

(1) 10 is the first double digit number in the whole entire Universe.
(2) 10 is the base of the decimal numeral system, most likely due to our 10 fingers.
(3) My name is Jared Woods. Its 10 letters long.
(4) J is the 10th letter of the alphabet.
(5) I was born on the 16th of October 1984 (16/10/94). October is the 10th month of the year.
(6) Back to 16/10/84: remove previous 10, and you’re left with 16/84. 16 + 84 = 100 = Ten 10s.
(7) In binary, 10 is like saying "yes no".
(8) It has heavy religious connotations (Ten Commandments, ten plagues on Egypt, Ten Martyrs in Jewish liturgy, ten generations between Noah and Abraham, the ten incarnations of Lord Maha Vishnu in Hinduism etc).
(9) It is the name of many music artists’ albums, including but not limited to: LL Cool J, New Kids on the Block, Wet Wet Wet, The Stranglers, Girls Aloud, and Pearl Jam.
(10) Finally, it represents the nature of all life, if you think about it: 1 seemingly phallic (looks like a penis), 0 seemingly yonic (looks like a vagina).

With that, here comes some stuff which is far less interesting: the latest on what’s been going on in my busy little creative life. Enjoy!

Juice Nothing

The 100 Best Songs Of The Decade So Far (2010 - 2014)
December is always the toughest month for my writing schedules, and so traditionally I like to take it easier in January. But, of course, when the above topic covers such a specific time period as this one, you can’t leave it too long before it becomes outdated. So I did the next best thing, and wrote 100 reviews for songs in 140 characters or less, like Twitter! Was a great experiment, a real test to push myself to condense my usual ramblings into a more concentrated length, and personally, I felt it was a success (even if no one else has really said so).

Worst To Best: David Bowie
As the third of my “Worst to Best” series, and the first one to venture into the world music, there could be no worthier candidate than the master of everything, David Bowie. I worked reaaaally hard on this blog, actually the whole of January was spent relistening to all of his albums in chronological order to rate them as such, carefully reviewing each one as I went along. I think it came out great, and a tough contender to beat for my favourite of the year.

20 Hottest Girls Ever (Part II)
Just launched this one, and everything you need to know is in the introduction. To summarise: (1) It is the sequel to my 2010 hit of the same name; (2) It is arguably the dumbest thing Ive ever written; and (3) I did it for the hits. Please forgive me.

As per usual, lots of plans, lots of ideas. I have more blogs I wanted to write this year than I could possibly find time for, so everything is going to be ok on this side, don’t you worry.

This Very Blog

Without announcing it whatsoever, I secretly changed the overall design of this very site you’re reading right now, perhaps you noticed? If not, here is a refresher:

Muuuuch better, I’m sure you will agree. Perhaps now I can go back to the redesign of the Juice Nothing home page? Probably not.

Coming Down Happy

Nothing major to really report, except that I have been working damn hard on the Sex is Disgusting EP (there is a studio diary with more details here if you are interested) and it is finally coming together somewhat, to the point that I am actually excited about it for the first time in probably six months. There is a looooong way to go, I’m not even convinced I’ll finish it this year, but who cares? It’s only music.

Related: as I mentioned in the last news update, there is a really huge new section coming to the Coming Down Happy site within the first half of this year. No spoilers, but it’s moving along, looking pretty rad, and is well overdue.

More news about CDH in the FPP section below, scrolly scoll.

The Goat’s Nest

I am 90% sure that the next piece on this blog will be the sequel to The Triangular Theory of Love. It’s pretty much done. Just need a bit of polish and then come the end of April, it’s all yours (hopefully).

Furthermore, I will be on an aeroplane soon (more on that in the conclusion), and as is tradition, I will be starting my next short story on said flight. I guess I might as well tell you that it will be the continuation of Clean Birth.

Finally, This is Your Brain on Drugs, my full length fucking novel thing, is very very close now. There are only one or two illustrations left I think, then just a tiny amount of formatting and other bits and shits to take care of. Honestly, I shouldn’t be working on anything else until this is out, but it seriously could be any month now.

The Funpowder Plot

A new video! And I made it all by myself!
It’s called Valentine’s Day and was part of those “Monthly Projects” I spoke of last news item. The month in question was January, where armed with nothing but crayons and Adobe Flash, I spat this out. I am super stoked with it as was everyone else, and while it didn’t go viral as I always hope, it is still one decent player in the game of Jared, and it’s nice to have contributed to the Plot solo for once.

Besides this, The Freewheelin’ Troubadour is getting married soon and embarking on a massive long tour of the world, which leaves only me, Loose, and Ammr to hold the fort. Ammr himself has become very popular since that Shura video received over eight and a half million hits, and as a result, he has a lot of offers coming in, which should provide some great content for the site.

Of course, this means that the Coming Down Happy video has kinda been pushed back, and it looks like I will be tackling this one all by myself once again, which is good, because CDH was always a DIY thing anyway. Perhaps I may not have the technical genius of my comrades nor the fancy equipment, but I do have ideas and a big plan. I know how to get what I want, and I know how to make it look good. Slowly, this is becoming a priority.

Painting

Once again, as part of this “monthly projects” thing I’ve been doing, I started painting with acrylic over Feb, and loved it so much that I kinda let it leak into March. This is what I’ve spat out so far:
Miley Cyrus
Slender Man and Maddie
Goodbye Kitty

For a while, this art form really connected to my life for some reason, and it has been many years since I felt so passionate about an avenue. It’s so therapeutic, at points I didn’t go to parties just because this is what I want to spend my time doing. However, I will be taking a break now, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a few more appear throughout the year, and perhaps some kind of a big announcement at the end. Yes, I know something you don’t.

Band

It is with a sad heart that I announce our guitarist, Andy, has left us to go live in Bristol. The decision was understood and the whole thing, while shit, happened on good terms. The rest of us spoke about it and decided we wanted to continue, but rather than replace Andy, Milz (previously vocals/violin) has moved to keyboards, and we honestly sound even better in my opinion. We have the workings of about five songs or so, and I actually really like them, which is a rare thing for me. I have had bad band experiences before, but God, I really hope this one at least makes it to some sort of recording/gigging stage. It’s so much fun.


Yup, I think that’s it. Now, as I touched upon earlier, I am off to India from the end of this month ‘til the the 11th of April. I am not sure if this is important, but it may be, as whatever was planned for said time period will obviously get no love whatsoever. I think things will be ok though, because everything always is.

Oh, finally, I have been taking Instagram heaps more cereal these days, so you should follow me! Seriously, please follow me. It gives my life meaning.

Ok bye,
Jared

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My 5 Favourite Things On The Internet

2:32 AM in 10, 20, 5, ever, favourite, Get Ex, girls, hottest, ii, internet, is, my, number, on, part, reasons, the, things, why

I know what you are thinking: the internet is a pretty big place. Well, bravo, genius, did you come up with that all by yourself? Or did I just come up with it for you? It doesn’t matter, the fact is that, yes, it is a big place. I myself reached the end of the internet once, and it was a complete mess of long-forgotten cat images, a bunch of gore videos primarily focusing on genitalia, and a gigantic demon with Nicolas Cage’s face who claimed to have my bank details. It took a while to get home from there.

Just listen to me for one second. While the task of writing a list such as this may seem impossible to some one like you, I am no ordinary person. For example: the ring and pinkie toe on my right foot do not bend. There are other things too, Im sure. I reckon by now this introduction has reached a decent enough length so that it wraps around the main image, and now I will move on.

05. The Beetlejuice Twitter Bot

Imagine my horror when, upon writing this entry, I discovered that this once beloved Twitter account was now defunct, the genius retiring the idea around August this year. GODDMANIT, WHY DOES EVERYTHING I LOVE END UP LEAVING ME?

But even if its existence has evaporated into the afterlife, its presence still lingers in the joy it once granted me, hence why I cherish its memory by keeping this point intact. I just feel sorry for you lot only discovering this anomaly now, as you will never know the joy of tweeting the words “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice” only to have this bot proudly spring into action upon your mentions, proclaiming “ITS SHOWTIME!”, just like in the mooovie! Lolyay!

A moment of silence for its passing, and while we do that, let’s look at some other funny botty Twitter accounts in hopes that this passage justifies its worth afterall.

Yes, You’re Racist
An account which calls out people who tweet “I’m not racist, but...” because any sentence that starts that way is more than likely racist.

Your in America Bot
An account which corrects people when they say something to the effect of “Your in America, speak English!” Oh, the irony.

Stealth Mountain
Similarly, this account corrects people when they say “sneak peak” instead of “sneak peek”. I enjoy such things.

04. The Same Photo of Jim Carrey Every Day Facebook Page

Nothing will brighten up your life more than the same photo of Jim Carrey, every single morning, delivered straight to your Newsfeed. Trust me, I live a very active and rewarding existence, but when this post shows its smiling face, I know my beautiful day has truly just begun. And I am not alone, as the page itself boasts over 150,000 Likes, while the identical image racks up 1000s of further Likes on a daily basis—many of which are my friends. They probably dont know this, but I desperately spend most of my early hours attempting to Like said post before they get a chance, as if some sick competitive ritual.

However, the secret magic of this image lies not in the daily delivery, but in the comments. Here you will find many different users honouring the practice of routinely commenting the exact same thing every day, to the point of madness. There are many, but the most popular by far revolve around Cody’s story, like so:

“Its good to see that in this world of changing chaos, that there are some things that will never change” - Cody Hendricks (close to 200 Likes a day)
“Lean on me, when youre not strong. And Ill be your friend.” - The Official Page’s response to Cody Hendricks (over 50 Likes every day)
“Im not the Cody youre looking for.” - Cody Mann (around 100 Likes a day)

Naturally, it doesn’t end there, and so I encourage you to go forth and find your own favourites, whilst welcoming the safe regularity of this wonderful distraction.

03. Spinal Tap’s IMDB Rating Goes to 11

If you haven’t seen This Is Spinal Tap, you should. Immediately. Stop reading, find it online, watch it, and then come back. Do not eat nor sleep nor speak nor fuck your boyfriend nor lick your teeth until you get this done, and then thank me in the comments below, to which Ill respond with "you’re welcome".

Did you do what I said? If so, great! I have a few more things I’d like you to do, mail me for details. And please continue reading.
If you have already seen the mockumentary, good on ya! You understand the importance of keeping up-to-date on significant cult classics. And please continue reading.
However, if you have chosen to proceed without viewing the film, you are an idiot, and I experience no guilt as I ruin this particular scene for you, primarily because the “up to eleven” idiom has become such a large part of popular culture parodies, that you’ve missed far too many jokes already. In a way, I’m actually just helping you out. Once again, you’re welcome.

ANYWAY, a very quick summary: the scene in question from the film presents guitarist Nigel Tufnel, as he shows-off the Spinal Tap Marshall amplifiers, which go to volume 11 rather than 10. It’s one louder.

Here is that exact same thing I described, except the actual video clip, which I probably should started have with.

Which brings us to the great dudes at IMDB, who recognised the significance of such a potent line, and took it upon themselves to ensure that this movie’s rating went to 11. God bless you all, really.

02. All Wikipedia Articles Lead to Philosophy

Unlike the other entries on this list, the “All Wikipedia Articles Lead to Philosophy” phenomenon is just that: a phenomenonon. This was not some intentional man made lolsies, but rather, something that just kinda ... happened.

It works like this: by clicking on the very first (non-parenthesized, non-italicised, non-external) link in the main text of any Wikipedia article, and then continuing to do so as you ride along subsequent articles, you have a 94.52% chance of ending up on the Philosophy page (usually within 23 clicks). Granted, you may get stuck in a loop or fall on a linkless piece, but that more than likely won’t happen. Try it yourself! Go to a random article and start clicking! Count your steps! Tell your friends! LOVE YOURSELF.

And you know what the best part about this is? Nobody is entirely sure why it happens, ooooooh. However, there are some theories, the most popular of which stating that (due to the Wikipedia Manual of Style guidelines on how to write the lead section of an article) contributors are encouraged to start an article by defining its topic, leading the user into a wider more umbrella subject. And seeing as philosophy is known as the "mother of all sciences", I guess it kinda makes sense that every road leads there. Man, that’s some deep shit.

01. Futurama Neutral Balance YouTube Likes

I have no strong feelings one way or the other.

Which is to say, I do! I really do! I mean, what is going on here? WHO KEEPS DOING THIS????

It’s pretty much the simplest thing ever: Six years ago some dude uploaded a 4 second video to YouTube, a clip from Futurama titled Neutral Response, and the internet decided they liked this. In fact, they liked it so much that theyve watched it over 4,850,000 times. And, before we knew it, a suicidal mission had developed, one to maintain the neutral balance, proving that we all have strong feelings about having no strong feelings one way or the other. If you’re confused, just look at the Likes and Dislikes, and then you’ll be part of the team. Godspeed.

Of course, as is the nature with such a fragile system, it has become a little bit of a war, and there will always be those kids on the playground who want to watch the world burn. With that in mind, you might be unfortunate enough to see the Likes/Dislikes sway one way or another, much to everyone’s embarrassment. However, generally by simply refreshing the page, you should find that order has been swiftly restored. If not, maybe try help rectify the situation yourself? Be a pal. Make yourself useful for once.

Regardless, it’s my favourite thing on the internet, excluding this one porno video where Hillary Scott takes it ass to pussy over and over again, risking an infection but proving she is a professional whose priority is to please the part of my perverse brain which has retarded beyond recognition.

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