The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2015

5:56 PM in 10, 2015, album, artworks, best, cover, Get Ex, kã¼bler, kubrick, letter, model, of, ross, stanley, the, to, worst

(according to me)

10. Oceans Ate Alaska - Lost Isles

Couldnt find any interesting information about this piece, sorry guys. Its a jellyfish, tho, so thats pretty cool. It does look a bit phallic from a distance now that you mention it, thanks pervert.

09. Matt Nathanson - Show Me Your Fangs

Angela Deane has this creepy thing she likes to do, where she paints over existing photos, almost erasing human beings with White-Out, turning them into ghosts. Seriously, she does this all time, look, it’s the type of project Id imagine serial killers to partake in. That said, it is fucking rad, and Matt Nathanson thought so too, as he accidentally stumbled upon Angela’s work on tumblr and hired her immediately to make his record cover. I wish I was a serial killer, Id probably make more money.

08. Butcher Babies - Take It Like a Man

This band is generic nü-metalcore at best, but I do appreciate the seemingly paradoxical approach that follows them around. In a decidedly testosterone filled genre, this band is fronted by two ladies. And yet despite all the blood and murder and horror and ugliness they scream about, they are incredibly sexy in an almost typical alternative cheerleader type of way. But then in the midst of all this prominent female confrontation, they called their album Take it Like a Man. Except they put a little girl in an innocent pink dress on the cover. Except the girl is wearing a viking helmet. And they are called Butcher Babies. Deep.

07. Ghost Bath - Moonlover

There are multiple reasons as to why above artwork should not be on this list. First of all, it’s a complete cheat, as this image is nothing more than a stolen 1957 art piece from postmodern Guatemalan photographer Luis González Palma, titled La Luna. Second of all, the band is often accused of ripping everything they know from Deafheaven, including their sound and even this image, which does look suspiciously similar to one of the Sunbather tour posters. And finally, it’s kind of a cliché idea at the end of the day: a moody black and white topless women style, ooooh, scary and profound. However, boobs and moons and stuff, so here we are.

06. Strange Wilds - Subjective Concepts

For a lead singer of one complete Nirvana rip-off band, Steven Serna sure likes to talk a lot. Thankfully for me, this means I dont have to say anything. Take it away, Steven: “I went to walk along a concrete curb (...) and while I was balancing I suddenly had this thought of what if this was the edge of a tall building. And then right after that thought I was like ‘Dang, that could be a cool record cover’. (...) The picture was taken by photographer David Belisle (...) [he’s] done a lot of photos of R.E.M. and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, so it was a real treat that he wanted to work with us (...) some people have expressed they feel uneasy looking at [the cover art], and that is kind of what we were going for. That sense of standing on the edge, or even more so running along the edge and losing balance (...) everything we’ve been getting into by signing to Sub Pop is brand new territory to us and it can feel like walking on the edge sometimes. As cheesy as that sounds.”
Yup, sounds pretty cheesy, but it looks great.

05. Sulphur Aeon - Gateway to the Antisphere

After Ola Larsson provided such incredibly impressive artwork for Sulphur Aeon’s debut album, it only made sense for the band to continue paying moneys to keep his imaginative creations on their side. And, damn, isnt this some exceptional art right here. What’s even cooler, is that Ola was kind enough to share the whole process with his fans on Facebook, starting from a rough sketch supplied by the band, right until his masterpiece was complete. It’s no wonder, then, that the group stated “there’s a whole bunch of talented artists, but we think Ola is the one artist for us”. Bless!

04. Blanck Mass - Dumb Flesh

When you want an image which is as perfect as your title, who do you turn to? You turn to Alex de Mora. When you want an artist who has done portraits for some of the biggest names in hipster music (such as Purity Ring, Eagles of Death Metal, MF DOOM, Arctic Monkeys) and cultural history (Hulk Hogan, The actual Queen), who do you turn to? You turn to Alex de Mora. When you want an image made out of body parts but in a creepy, uncertain, illogical way, who do you turn to? Well, to be fair, you should probably turn to Chris Cunningham. But Alex de Mora did a good job as well. Costs less too, Id imagine.

03. Marika Hackman - We Slept at Last

“The artwork’s always important to me, with any record. With this, I saw that image by Glen Erler—the girl on the bed, the cover art—and he’s been one of my favourite photographers for the last five years. I was like, ‘I’ve got to have that picture’. I hate naming things but as soon as I saw that, I knew to call the album We Slept At Last. It was the first thing that jumped out at me, it hit me right in the core.”
Same.

02. Pyramids - A Northern Meadow

This group has a decent reputation for album covers (see their debut, it’s even better) and so there may have been a little bit of pressure on photographer Scout Pare Phillips to deliver an a-grade product. Although, probably not really, because he once shot a music video for Jack White, and who are Pyramids anyway? Whatever, I reeeeally want to stick my hair against the wall right now.

01. Dilly Dally - Desire [Single]

In order to fully understand this Donovan Brien image, one must first admire the cover for Dilly Dally’s debut album, Sore. According to lead vocalist Katie Monks, she had a “vision. The oversized hunk of jewelry on a girls tongue. Pink glossy lips. Almost like a make-up commercial gone wrong. Very empowering, and sexy to me. I knew it had to be the cover of our album.” From this, I deduce the above Desire art to be the sequel of that idea, as this injured tongue has met the ice cream and left its bloody mark. Furthermore, the image for their second single Purple Rage is a continuation of this story, as the eager mouth could not help itself, and an even worse mess has infected the cone. This is all presumption, of course, I could be wrong. Either way, a bloody ice cream is pretty (and) hardcore.


Five Other Brilliants
Faith Healer - Cosmic Troubles
Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly
Purity Ring - Another Eternity
Petite Noir - La Vie Est Belle / Life Is Beautiful
Stealing Sheep - Not Real


The 10 Worst Album Cover Artworks of 2014
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The 10 Worst Album Cover Artworks of 2015

1:14 AM in 10, 15, 2015, album, artworks, cover, ever, Get Ex, greatest, kã¼bler, letter, lyrics, model, of, ross, smiths, the, worst

(according to me)

10. Du Blonde - Welcome Back to Milk

Du Blonde has said that this artwork’s “intention was not a sexual one,” and in that case, it was a complete success. She went on to elaborate that she refused the use of Photoshop, stating “I spent so many of my younger years worried about stretch marks and cellulite that it felt good to finally be in a position to say I don’t care,” which is admirable and empowering but her bush is really freaking me out.

09. Raekwon - Fly International Luxurious Art

Raekwon justified this John Newsom monstrosity by calling himself “monumental”; highlighting how a griffin means “good luck”; emphasising that the lion aspect is because he’s “in the jungle”; and that the all important “wings of life” represent how the rapper has “flown over many, many different places and left my mark”. Basically, hes just rambling like a crazy person. He concluded that when he “first put [the artwork] out, people were in awe because they didn’t understand, but now they get it. They love it.” But are you sure about that, Raekwon? Because I get it. And I dont love it. I don’t love it at all.

08. Action Bronson - Mr. Wonderful

Action Bronson’s in-house designer, FRKO, has done a few cool things in his career, including this one time when he created an image of Venom giving a rimjob, which I approve of. But this particular album artwork is shit for the following three reasons: (1) Action isn’t even facing the camera, which some may forgive as being arty, but I dont buy that because it looks like an MSPaint job, and you cant say Action Bronson and arty in the same sentence; (2) Action is far too fat to even do the splits, so it’s all one big LIE; and (3) Mr. Wonderful is a very stupid and unoriginal name for an album anyway, especially because Action Bronson isn’t even that wonderful to begin with.

07. Cherry Garcia - Vine Of Souls

It’s really difficult to find any information about this piece, which is blatantly because whoever was responsible for the design has gone into hiding. Please note the Illuminati symbol, and how the artist likes to stick woman’s eyes over his face just like my uncle used to do. NO, UNCLE, DON’T!

06. The Phoenix Foundation - Give Up Your Dreams

Following on quite nicely from Cherry Garcia, this Rosie Scott creation is weirdly similar to that last piece of crap. Once again, please notice the Illuminati symbol. Now please notice the sky. Now please notice the illogical reflections of everything. Now please notice how terrible this is. What is it even supposed to be? A 3D modeling example from the weakest child in class? Give up on your dreams is fairly apt advice, kid.

MID BLOG BONUS: Wilco - Star Wars

Not an official entry, but I could not go on any further without mentioning this godawful/godawesome artwork from Wilco. I mean, there’s a cat. And they called it Star Wars. That’s pure clickbait gold right there, so much so that it’s almost a cheap shot. Is it the dumbest thing ever? Or is it the smartest? Please advise.

05. Duran Duran - Paper Gods

All sarcasm aside, this is legitimately a good idea: stickers designed by Brian Roettinger (who’s worked with the likes of Jay-Z, St Vincent, and Mark Ronson, to name very few), all slapped on top of an Alex Israel backdrop painting, in hopes of accurately representing highlights from the band’s career. Look! There’s the lips from Rio! Or The Chauffeur’s cap! Or the sumo wrestler from Girls on Film! Or a Skin Trade silhouette! Or a Perfect Day ice cream! Or other stuff too! Im so bored of writing! Im not convincing anyone! This doesn’t work! I wouldn’t buy it! I havent even listened to it! Apparently its not very good!

04. Tyler, the Creator - Cherry Bomb

This artwork is only one of the five available Cherry Bomb covers out there (and to be fair, the version where he’s pissed himself is pretty funny), but the above cheap marker-pen scribble is almost as messy as the music within, and thats saying a lot.

03. Jamie Woon - Making Time

I remember the first time I used Photoshop. WHAT THE FUCK, JAMIE.

02. Lapko - Freedom

Design duo Rairai put this together, and I totally get it. It’s like, uhm, when you lie down and then place your knees by your ears, right? And then you like, look up at the sky through your legs with your bum proudly pointed towards the heavens, because, uhm freedom. You’re essentially mooning God, I think that’s the message here. Its hard to be inspired to write these bits when the images are so atrocious, I hope you appreciate that.

01. Peaches - RUB

Excellent photographer Daria Marchik took this incriminating shot, and then I can only assume someone with tiny hands attacked it with the Photoshop clone tool until we have an image as uncomfortable and cringy as Peach’s subject matter. But, hey, at least she doesn’t have a beard anymore, so we are getting somewhere.


Five Other Terribles
The Darkness - Last of Our Kind
John Grant - Grey Tickles, Black Pressure
Miguel - Wildheart
Tech N9ne - Special Effects
tricot - A N D


The 10 Best Album Cover Artworks of 2014
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The Kübler Ross Model The Letter

3:00 AM in 10, 2014, album, and, artworks, cover, day, fall, feminism, Get Ex, kã¼bler, letter, model, modern, of, rise, ross, the, worst

Note: Please read The Kübler-Ross Model short story first.

The Letter

Dear Reader,

The name you will most likely remember me by is Holly Vegemite, as it is my understanding that you know who I am. God, I hope so, because this is my only chance to save you and everyone either of us ever knew.

I cannot expect you to believe where I write to you from right now, but at the risk of losing faith before I have even begun, know that I am no longer alive, rather a lone spirit in a place every story book failed to mention. I see clearly now, more clear than ever, thoughts are not the obstacles they once were nor even components to my existence, as I have connected as one to my own boundless energy. And I see everything.

We will get to the primary reason for this letter shortly, but first and foremost you must understand that Nigel Coaster is an innocent man, not only from the charges he actively declared his innocence for, but even for those he confessed his guilt to. I am assuming you read the article in the OIAC paper, and if so, I beg you to remember some of the Journalists final words, as they were closer to the truth than anything else out there. The “wolf” was right. There is something much bigger going on here, something so detailed that it will be difficult for you to digest everything in one go, but please, you have to pay attention. Research further if you must, but above all else, listen carefully to what I have to say.

I (as in the self I once was, Holly) died in a car accident. I was hit by a drunk driver, which is what the official report states, and for the most part, this is true. However, the moment my electricity disconnected from my physical form, the flash of truth blinded my journey to where I am now, and I realised that it was the rats all along, just like the conspiracies theorised. The rats did everything. The rats steered that drunk man’s car into mine at such high speeds that my demise was imminent. The rats kidnapped all of us girls. The rats gave Nigel those horrific ideas for the games. And, most importantly of all, even before this whole story began, the rats planted something into Nigel’s mind which gave them a voice within his own thoughts.

The reason they did this is difficult to explain, but it involves me. In fact, it involves all of us, even you. If you recall the OIAC interview with Nigel, he was certain he’d hired those rats to aid his master plan of imprisonment and those Kübler games, when in actual fact, the rats were hired by someone else to convince Nigel of just that. I have not been permitted to expose who the man in charge is, but I will tell you this: there are many stories just like this one, some taking place right now. You think this was the only example of the Kübler-Ross model being used as a method of torture in order to achieve some sort of grand finale? No, there were many, many just like this. The only reason you know about this one specifically is simply because Nigel didnt die like he was supposed to, and the story lived on as a result. I like to believe this was some sort of a divine intervention, but that level of authority will never be disclosed to characters like us.

But whether a higher power or a coincidence, the backstory remains as solid as it ever did. There is an ancient prophecy which has been followed for centuries now, but unlike so many dime-a-dozen folklore tales, this one is actually true. The easiest way I can explain it is as follows: there is a loose collection of energy which is distinct and special, and it lives within a very select group of people. While it can exist in multiple creatures within the same time period, there is always a specific pair of individuals intended, consisting of one male and one female, known historically as the Eternal Couple. The only prerequisite is that the two counter genders harnessing said energy must repeat the same story of those who came before: they will find each other, they will live in suffering, and then they will die, only to end back in the afterlife where they will remember everything, evaporate, forget everything, and then be reused for the same purpose, ignorantly cursed to this repetition, forever. In case you hadnt worked this out by now, I am the female counterpart of the Eternal Couple, and I have memories you wouldnt believe. Memories dating back to times before man, memories taking place only a mere year ago separate from Holly, and memories of which have not even happened yet. And that’s all I can do: remember things while my energy remains stuck in limbo, awaiting the equivalent male spirit to die and reconnect to me, setting my soul free to be reborn once again. And that male spirit currently lives within Nigel.

As much as I pain without his love, writhing in the infinite memories we have shared as so many different version of ourselves, sick to my stomach in this afterlife of loneliness, I am fully aware that this is the best possible position for us to be in, for the sake of all mankind. Which brings me to the most crucial aspect you have to take from this letter: Nigel must not die. That is the whole purpose of these words I write. The very fabric of our time period relies on Nigel staying alive, as this is the only way to keep our spirits apart, and the prophecy dormant.

It has been written extensively that the death of the Eternal Couple must take place a certain (or perhaps, even a random) amount of times before another war between all that is good and all that is bad can meet on an Earthly plane once again, in an attempt to dominate the consciousness of all life involved. The last war was brutal, taking many years for our planet to recover, but good prevailed thanks to the spirit that was in Nigel, his hand killing Satan’s lead beast and rendering the dark army useless. Which is why, now more than ever, Hell is restless, eagerly initiating as many Eternal Couple deaths as possible in order to spur the next war on.

And this is the extent of my knowledge when it comes to the powers that be, but what I can tell you is that for nearly the last half decade, there has been a race to find examples of an Eternal Couple and kill them off as fast as possible in order to launch this war, with varying degrees of success, especially due to the fact that no one except the Eternal Couple really knows whether they are genuinely the Eternal Couple or not, and only becoming aware of their importance in the time of their death. Which is why it was a numbers game above all else.

At first, the man who hired the rats was satisfied with the creatures to just scope out already loving partners, and then silently kill them off. But when this proved to have no results, they knew they had to get smarter with it. The next plan was to find likely candidates for falling in love, and then work as a sort of twisted ”fate”; introducing them by some form of “coincidence”, ensuring they suffered, and then killing them off. At times, the rats even experimented with informing the couples about their intentions, and some of these couples were honoured, happy to sacrifice themselves in hopes that they were in fact the Eternal Couple—such a romantic idea without considering the terrible consequences such a scene would entail. Fortunately, even after so many deaths, no more than one or two fit the criteria.

Hence the Kübler-Ross approach. Here, an eligible person would be conditioned to believe that they needed to spend time with five varied personalities, ensuring all parties would suffer, and then under the observation of the rats, the perpetrator would be convinced to kill him or herself. On the off chance that said person was one half of the Eternal Couple, all it would take would be for the rats to calculate the most likely candidate out of the other five to murder, and in theory, upping the chances of killing the correct Eternal Couple substantially. And even if they don’t know it just yet, they managed to get it right with Nigel and I. Sometimes I wonder: perhaps my actual male was a different individual, perhaps Nigel’s actual female was too—if it even works that way. But regardless of these details, our spirits were competent for the purpose, fate has been intervened, and if Nigel dies and our run of the Eternal Couple completes, this may very well usher in the end of days.

My superior position in death does come with its own prizes, however, and this letter is one of them. The first to die of any given Eternal Couple is granted one opportunity to send a note to the living, usually to their Eternal Counterpart to aid themselves into their own death. And believe me, a letter to Nigel crossed my mind. However, after some thought, I figured what better place to post this than right here? How many more will read it? It is a risk, as I am not aware of who you are or what sort of control you have in this situation, dear reader, but maybe you know someone who does? Someone who could rewrite this story into a happy ending? Absolutely anything you can do, I beg of you, for you must understand that the death of Nigel may be the last in a long line of incidents, granting the powers of darkness to birth a monster and lead a war, perhaps reclaiming the Earth for evil like they once did so long ago. Heed my warning very seriously. Please. Nigel must not die.

This all relies on you.

As I was known,
“Holly Vegemite”

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